I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
