good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
