His pubic hair was longer than his dick
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
