i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
