wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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