dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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