New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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