just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
