I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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