I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
