matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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