I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
