How'd it feel making her break her religion?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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