Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
