I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
