We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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