Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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