dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
