Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
