I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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