if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
