This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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