Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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