i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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