Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
