WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
