He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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