I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I met the friendliest cop last night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
