There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
