you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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