Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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