I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
