508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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