We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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