Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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