he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
