Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
