i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He's on the porch naked. Help.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
