guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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