I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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