I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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