I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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