so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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