I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
