Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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