All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
