you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
