But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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