This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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