she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
